So this morning on the radio I heard that the book "50 Shades of Grey" has now become the highest seller of ALL TIME in the UK, outselling the previous number #1 " HARRY POTTER"!
Now I have read "50 Shades" and I will admit it's good - addictive even ...but it is certainly no "Harry Potter" ( The best book/s of ALL TIME ) and the radio announcers glee at saying ...
"Watch out Harry Potter & J.K Rowling" is just enough to make me puke up my 50 shades of cinnamon toast.
This caused me to examine "50 Shades" more thoroughly! Now ......they ( by the way ... they say a lot of stuff I find ) are saying that is it Housewife Porn and yeah ..I can see how so! There were many moments throughout the 3 novels in this series that made me blush BUT....I think that I can write a better and more accurate version of Housewife Porn that will set hearts a-thumpin and women a-swooning. So here goes...my very own personal interpretation of "50 Shades of Housewife Porn" BEWARE IT CONTAINS PROFANITIES SOME MAY FIND OFFENSIVE ..heck it's porn right ??? Deal with it and keep reading!!!!:
" My eyes flutter open - all is QUIET! No one has grabbed my boob or groped my bum cheek so far this morning. The dog hasn't woken me up at the crack of dawn with his arse in my face ..or sniffing around my face with meat breath to get me to take him out for a piss. Aaahhggghhh....all is great! I roll over in my perfectly made bed - with all of the covers on MY side to check the time off my FULLY charged iphone! 10am ..yeeeees ...no one has woken me at the crack of dawn for a piss - shag - or to get them breakfast!! This looks promising so far.
I roll the other way to see MR MARCH sleeping serenely. Not a fart , not a burp, not a belch, not an incoherent word escapes him! He is just looking all sweet and QUIET!! There is no Playstation noise coming from above, no sunday morning bad TV...Yeeees! As I say this under my breath - hubby's eyes slowly open.
"good morning...wow you look stunning this morning" he says genuinely.
"Yes I know" I reply...." I slept so well" and he nods in awe and agreement! Yeeesssss!!!
" Hey ..don't get up babe....I'm making you a full English breakfast this morning, coffee and all" he exclaims - so excited to be getting up and onto this. I lie back in my perfectly made bed - with my perfect hair and exquisite perfectly made up face and smile serenely! Even the dog smells great and isn't pestering me for a crap this morning....he's holding the darn thing in with the sweetest expression - what a darling!
Back comes MR MARCH with a massive plate of food .. there is so much and it is perfectly cooked and NONE of it will go straight to my hips or my arse ...it will just glide right past those areas and settle straight into each boob...yeeeeeeessss!
Mmmmm coffee is awesome , and MR MARCH sits on the bed and says
" You eat so gracefully sweetheart" as I stuff a huge piece of bacon in my gob. " Why thankyou honey " I say and keep on downing my tit increasing chow!
When I finally saunter out to the living area in my elegant and classy night clothes and fluffy satin heels, I discover that whilst cooking me up this amazing breakfast - MR MARCH has enlisted the help of MINI & MIDI MARCH - who are at that very moment cleaning with a frenzy that scares me! Counter tops gleam, Wood surfaces are polished. There are no dust bunnies scattering in fear as I walk through the dining area, no pile of dishes that no one felt like doing. The lounge is expertly "smooshed" so it looks extra comfy and inviting, the wood floors are swept, mopped and polished, there are no finger prints on the plasma., the dog is fed! There is not 1 thing for me to do and everyone is smiling at me as though the sun shines blindingly out of my arse! Yeeeesss!
" Mum - what would you like me to do for you today " asks MIDI MARCH? " I was going to park my butt on playstation all day but you need a break and I would love nothing more than to do all of the households washing and perhaps for fun some ironing too. These are things I know that I really need to learn for the future when I don't have you to pick up all my stinking jocks & 6 day old socks that almost walk down the stairs begging to be clean themselves! This will be great practise mum"
" Mum - I think just to help you out I might clean up my room" says MINI MARCH. " I'm going to pick up all those wayward toys and scraps of paper that are tossed from pillar to post and neatly put them in categories that make sense. I am going to pick up all my clothes and actually put them in the cupboard that is actually in my room that is actually for clothes and not air!"
" Sweetheart I think that today I will help you out and change the cat litter and then maybe go and pick up all the dog shit and after that I really want to clean your shower cubicle and perhaps if there's enough time I will do the food shopping too...I have always wanted to do that on my day off"
AAAAAAGHHHHHH .....OOOOOOHHHHHHHH.....EEEEEEEHHHHH Yeeeeeeeeessssssss!!!!
Right there .....yessss that lump of dog shit!!! OOhhh yeahhhhhhh....that corner of my shower ....ohhhhh god! Its soooooooo clean hmmmmm! Ohhhh yesssssss......wash that sheet .....pick up those socks..... don't fart in my face.....let me bend over without your hand up my crack...yes ..yes..yes...yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!
Still with me???? Now was that as good for you as it was for me??????? ;p
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
That special phrase I like the most
Hey there.......
I wonder if anyone else has a "special phrase" they like to use in their everyday lives? Maybe you have one and it's subconscious..maybe it slips out without you even aware of it? Maybe just asking this question is making you aware of it right now? Or maybe you - like me - are completely conscious of it and you like to throw that phrase around with reckless abandon because it feels so damn satisfying passing over your lips? Maybe it calms you and creates a sense of " power " of that which is powerless???
In my case "my special phrase" is one that I love dearly! It is certainly not an original one - I hear it many times a day from many different mouths - young and old. I have taken in it, given it warmth and shelter and begged it to stay. Ive adopted it and it has a forever home. I will never ever send it packing - in fact I couldn't even if I wanted to. It a part of me :) Gladly there are so many occasions, instances, circumstances and reasons to apply it - so it will never grow old or fade.
I hear my "phrase" spoken angrily, happily, in disbelief or humorously. I hear it whispered, screamed, spoken calmly and with a tone of sarcasm. I do believe that it has also become a favourite of Mr March, now whether that's my influence or not I can't say - but an echo is always fun so I won't correct him and explain it was mine first.
Can you guess yet - no - I will continue then.
I say this hmmmm 20 - 30 times EVERY day ( perhaps even more ) ...again ..sometime whispered through my teeth.. sometimes shouted with such violent enthusiasm that I scare myself ... sometimes it slips out at the most inappropriate moment - like at a doctors appointment or job interview ...sometimes mindlessly scrolling through tv channels and only finding Olympic tv or re-runs...sometimes when I walk up the stairs to find the dog has ripped EVERY toilet roll to minute pieces...sometimes in tears.!!
There are times I say it when I'm cut off on the road by some inconsiderate jerk off...sometimes when my hair just wont look normal...sometimes it fly's out when MIDDIE MARCH back chats me .....see there are so many reasons. Last week in particular I passionately shouted it after becoming a human sick bucket at 3.45 in the morning .. ( dog vomiting on head incident which possibly shortened his life by 1 year - after I cursed him for doing so ) ...I also may have thrown it around in quick succession last saturday after taking an involuntary dip in the creek next door at 7.30am on a 5degree morning. Yesterday I whispered it under my breathe as a rather large elderly customer proceeded to slightly lift one of her rather large butt cheeks and let out the hugest FART that I had ever heard a stranger do in a public place without a hint of shame or embarrassment ...better out than in eh?! Again it came tumbling out when she did it for a second time...then shuffled over to ask where the public toilets were!! When I pointed to my stores bathrooms I had a telling feeling that I would be saying my phrase with huge levels of disgust and indignation tomorrow when i opened the bathroom door to clean it - FARTS like that only come from one place with one outcome!!!!
I was only last night however that I fully became aware that this was not only my "Phrase" of choice...... but countless others and the weight of how important it had become in daily life fully took impact! See ...I like my "phrase" ...it describes everything I could ever say in 3 small and yet 3 magical words. When a character out of a movie that MR MARCH was forcing me to watch Shouted my "Phrase" out in sheer shock and disbelief........I went " AMEN SISTA................You Know The SHIT" .....and here I am telling you now! So what do I hear you say to this revelation .....................................perhaps I hear you saying .........Mrs March ..........................
" WHAT ~~~~THE ~~~~~~FUCK" :D
I wonder if anyone else has a "special phrase" they like to use in their everyday lives? Maybe you have one and it's subconscious..maybe it slips out without you even aware of it? Maybe just asking this question is making you aware of it right now? Or maybe you - like me - are completely conscious of it and you like to throw that phrase around with reckless abandon because it feels so damn satisfying passing over your lips? Maybe it calms you and creates a sense of " power " of that which is powerless???
In my case "my special phrase" is one that I love dearly! It is certainly not an original one - I hear it many times a day from many different mouths - young and old. I have taken in it, given it warmth and shelter and begged it to stay. Ive adopted it and it has a forever home. I will never ever send it packing - in fact I couldn't even if I wanted to. It a part of me :) Gladly there are so many occasions, instances, circumstances and reasons to apply it - so it will never grow old or fade.
I hear my "phrase" spoken angrily, happily, in disbelief or humorously. I hear it whispered, screamed, spoken calmly and with a tone of sarcasm. I do believe that it has also become a favourite of Mr March, now whether that's my influence or not I can't say - but an echo is always fun so I won't correct him and explain it was mine first.
Can you guess yet - no - I will continue then.
I say this hmmmm 20 - 30 times EVERY day ( perhaps even more ) ...again ..sometime whispered through my teeth.. sometimes shouted with such violent enthusiasm that I scare myself ... sometimes it slips out at the most inappropriate moment - like at a doctors appointment or job interview ...sometimes mindlessly scrolling through tv channels and only finding Olympic tv or re-runs...sometimes when I walk up the stairs to find the dog has ripped EVERY toilet roll to minute pieces...sometimes in tears.!!
There are times I say it when I'm cut off on the road by some inconsiderate jerk off...sometimes when my hair just wont look normal...sometimes it fly's out when MIDDIE MARCH back chats me .....see there are so many reasons. Last week in particular I passionately shouted it after becoming a human sick bucket at 3.45 in the morning .. ( dog vomiting on head incident which possibly shortened his life by 1 year - after I cursed him for doing so ) ...I also may have thrown it around in quick succession last saturday after taking an involuntary dip in the creek next door at 7.30am on a 5degree morning. Yesterday I whispered it under my breathe as a rather large elderly customer proceeded to slightly lift one of her rather large butt cheeks and let out the hugest FART that I had ever heard a stranger do in a public place without a hint of shame or embarrassment ...better out than in eh?! Again it came tumbling out when she did it for a second time...then shuffled over to ask where the public toilets were!! When I pointed to my stores bathrooms I had a telling feeling that I would be saying my phrase with huge levels of disgust and indignation tomorrow when i opened the bathroom door to clean it - FARTS like that only come from one place with one outcome!!!!
I was only last night however that I fully became aware that this was not only my "Phrase" of choice...... but countless others and the weight of how important it had become in daily life fully took impact! See ...I like my "phrase" ...it describes everything I could ever say in 3 small and yet 3 magical words. When a character out of a movie that MR MARCH was forcing me to watch Shouted my "Phrase" out in sheer shock and disbelief........I went " AMEN SISTA................You Know The SHIT" .....and here I am telling you now! So what do I hear you say to this revelation .....................................perhaps I hear you saying .........Mrs March ..........................
" WHAT ~~~~THE ~~~~~~FUCK" :D
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