So this morning on the radio I heard that the book "50 Shades of Grey" has now become the highest seller of ALL TIME in the UK, outselling the previous number #1 " HARRY POTTER"!
Now I have read "50 Shades" and I will admit it's good - addictive even ...but it is certainly no "Harry Potter" ( The best book/s of ALL TIME ) and the radio announcers glee at saying ...
"Watch out Harry Potter & J.K Rowling" is just enough to make me puke up my 50 shades of cinnamon toast.
This caused me to examine "50 Shades" more thoroughly! Now ......they ( by the way ... they say a lot of stuff I find ) are saying that is it Housewife Porn and yeah ..I can see how so! There were many moments throughout the 3 novels in this series that made me blush BUT....I think that I can write a better and more accurate version of Housewife Porn that will set hearts a-thumpin and women a-swooning. So here goes...my very own personal interpretation of "50 Shades of Housewife Porn" BEWARE IT CONTAINS PROFANITIES SOME MAY FIND OFFENSIVE ..heck it's porn right ??? Deal with it and keep reading!!!!:
" My eyes flutter open - all is QUIET! No one has grabbed my boob or groped my bum cheek so far this morning. The dog hasn't woken me up at the crack of dawn with his arse in my face ..or sniffing around my face with meat breath to get me to take him out for a piss. Aaahhggghhh....all is great! I roll over in my perfectly made bed - with all of the covers on MY side to check the time off my FULLY charged iphone! 10am ..yeeeees ...no one has woken me at the crack of dawn for a piss - shag - or to get them breakfast!! This looks promising so far.
I roll the other way to see MR MARCH sleeping serenely. Not a fart , not a burp, not a belch, not an incoherent word escapes him! He is just looking all sweet and QUIET!! There is no Playstation noise coming from above, no sunday morning bad TV...Yeeees! As I say this under my breath - hubby's eyes slowly open.
"good morning...wow you look stunning this morning" he says genuinely.
"Yes I know" I reply...." I slept so well" and he nods in awe and agreement! Yeeesssss!!!
" Hey ..don't get up babe....I'm making you a full English breakfast this morning, coffee and all" he exclaims - so excited to be getting up and onto this. I lie back in my perfectly made bed - with my perfect hair and exquisite perfectly made up face and smile serenely! Even the dog smells great and isn't pestering me for a crap this morning....he's holding the darn thing in with the sweetest expression - what a darling!
Back comes MR MARCH with a massive plate of food .. there is so much and it is perfectly cooked and NONE of it will go straight to my hips or my arse ...it will just glide right past those areas and settle straight into each boob...yeeeeeeessss!
Mmmmm coffee is awesome , and MR MARCH sits on the bed and says
" You eat so gracefully sweetheart" as I stuff a huge piece of bacon in my gob. " Why thankyou honey " I say and keep on downing my tit increasing chow!
When I finally saunter out to the living area in my elegant and classy night clothes and fluffy satin heels, I discover that whilst cooking me up this amazing breakfast - MR MARCH has enlisted the help of MINI & MIDI MARCH - who are at that very moment cleaning with a frenzy that scares me! Counter tops gleam, Wood surfaces are polished. There are no dust bunnies scattering in fear as I walk through the dining area, no pile of dishes that no one felt like doing. The lounge is expertly "smooshed" so it looks extra comfy and inviting, the wood floors are swept, mopped and polished, there are no finger prints on the plasma., the dog is fed! There is not 1 thing for me to do and everyone is smiling at me as though the sun shines blindingly out of my arse! Yeeeesss!
" Mum - what would you like me to do for you today " asks MIDI MARCH? " I was going to park my butt on playstation all day but you need a break and I would love nothing more than to do all of the households washing and perhaps for fun some ironing too. These are things I know that I really need to learn for the future when I don't have you to pick up all my stinking jocks & 6 day old socks that almost walk down the stairs begging to be clean themselves! This will be great practise mum"
" Mum - I think just to help you out I might clean up my room" says MINI MARCH. " I'm going to pick up all those wayward toys and scraps of paper that are tossed from pillar to post and neatly put them in categories that make sense. I am going to pick up all my clothes and actually put them in the cupboard that is actually in my room that is actually for clothes and not air!"
" Sweetheart I think that today I will help you out and change the cat litter and then maybe go and pick up all the dog shit and after that I really want to clean your shower cubicle and perhaps if there's enough time I will do the food shopping too...I have always wanted to do that on my day off"
AAAAAAGHHHHHH .....OOOOOOHHHHHHHH.....EEEEEEEHHHHH Yeeeeeeeeessssssss!!!!
Right there .....yessss that lump of dog shit!!! OOhhh yeahhhhhhh....that corner of my shower ....ohhhhh god! Its soooooooo clean hmmmmm! Ohhhh yesssssss......wash that sheet .....pick up those socks..... don't fart in my face.....let me bend over without your hand up my crack...yes ..yes..yes...yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!
Still with me???? Now was that as good for you as it was for me??????? ;p
Wednesday 8 August 2012
Wednesday 1 August 2012
That special phrase I like the most
Hey there.......
I wonder if anyone else has a "special phrase" they like to use in their everyday lives? Maybe you have one and it's subconscious..maybe it slips out without you even aware of it? Maybe just asking this question is making you aware of it right now? Or maybe you - like me - are completely conscious of it and you like to throw that phrase around with reckless abandon because it feels so damn satisfying passing over your lips? Maybe it calms you and creates a sense of " power " of that which is powerless???
In my case "my special phrase" is one that I love dearly! It is certainly not an original one - I hear it many times a day from many different mouths - young and old. I have taken in it, given it warmth and shelter and begged it to stay. Ive adopted it and it has a forever home. I will never ever send it packing - in fact I couldn't even if I wanted to. It a part of me :) Gladly there are so many occasions, instances, circumstances and reasons to apply it - so it will never grow old or fade.
I hear my "phrase" spoken angrily, happily, in disbelief or humorously. I hear it whispered, screamed, spoken calmly and with a tone of sarcasm. I do believe that it has also become a favourite of Mr March, now whether that's my influence or not I can't say - but an echo is always fun so I won't correct him and explain it was mine first.
Can you guess yet - no - I will continue then.
I say this hmmmm 20 - 30 times EVERY day ( perhaps even more ) ...again ..sometime whispered through my teeth.. sometimes shouted with such violent enthusiasm that I scare myself ... sometimes it slips out at the most inappropriate moment - like at a doctors appointment or job interview ...sometimes mindlessly scrolling through tv channels and only finding Olympic tv or re-runs...sometimes when I walk up the stairs to find the dog has ripped EVERY toilet roll to minute pieces...sometimes in tears.!!
There are times I say it when I'm cut off on the road by some inconsiderate jerk off...sometimes when my hair just wont look normal...sometimes it fly's out when MIDDIE MARCH back chats me .....see there are so many reasons. Last week in particular I passionately shouted it after becoming a human sick bucket at 3.45 in the morning .. ( dog vomiting on head incident which possibly shortened his life by 1 year - after I cursed him for doing so ) ...I also may have thrown it around in quick succession last saturday after taking an involuntary dip in the creek next door at 7.30am on a 5degree morning. Yesterday I whispered it under my breathe as a rather large elderly customer proceeded to slightly lift one of her rather large butt cheeks and let out the hugest FART that I had ever heard a stranger do in a public place without a hint of shame or embarrassment ...better out than in eh?! Again it came tumbling out when she did it for a second time...then shuffled over to ask where the public toilets were!! When I pointed to my stores bathrooms I had a telling feeling that I would be saying my phrase with huge levels of disgust and indignation tomorrow when i opened the bathroom door to clean it - FARTS like that only come from one place with one outcome!!!!
I was only last night however that I fully became aware that this was not only my "Phrase" of choice...... but countless others and the weight of how important it had become in daily life fully took impact! See ...I like my "phrase" ...it describes everything I could ever say in 3 small and yet 3 magical words. When a character out of a movie that MR MARCH was forcing me to watch Shouted my "Phrase" out in sheer shock and disbelief........I went " AMEN SISTA................You Know The SHIT" .....and here I am telling you now! So what do I hear you say to this revelation .....................................perhaps I hear you saying .........Mrs March ..........................
" WHAT ~~~~THE ~~~~~~FUCK" :D
I wonder if anyone else has a "special phrase" they like to use in their everyday lives? Maybe you have one and it's subconscious..maybe it slips out without you even aware of it? Maybe just asking this question is making you aware of it right now? Or maybe you - like me - are completely conscious of it and you like to throw that phrase around with reckless abandon because it feels so damn satisfying passing over your lips? Maybe it calms you and creates a sense of " power " of that which is powerless???
In my case "my special phrase" is one that I love dearly! It is certainly not an original one - I hear it many times a day from many different mouths - young and old. I have taken in it, given it warmth and shelter and begged it to stay. Ive adopted it and it has a forever home. I will never ever send it packing - in fact I couldn't even if I wanted to. It a part of me :) Gladly there are so many occasions, instances, circumstances and reasons to apply it - so it will never grow old or fade.
I hear my "phrase" spoken angrily, happily, in disbelief or humorously. I hear it whispered, screamed, spoken calmly and with a tone of sarcasm. I do believe that it has also become a favourite of Mr March, now whether that's my influence or not I can't say - but an echo is always fun so I won't correct him and explain it was mine first.
Can you guess yet - no - I will continue then.
I say this hmmmm 20 - 30 times EVERY day ( perhaps even more ) ...again ..sometime whispered through my teeth.. sometimes shouted with such violent enthusiasm that I scare myself ... sometimes it slips out at the most inappropriate moment - like at a doctors appointment or job interview ...sometimes mindlessly scrolling through tv channels and only finding Olympic tv or re-runs...sometimes when I walk up the stairs to find the dog has ripped EVERY toilet roll to minute pieces...sometimes in tears.!!
There are times I say it when I'm cut off on the road by some inconsiderate jerk off...sometimes when my hair just wont look normal...sometimes it fly's out when MIDDIE MARCH back chats me .....see there are so many reasons. Last week in particular I passionately shouted it after becoming a human sick bucket at 3.45 in the morning .. ( dog vomiting on head incident which possibly shortened his life by 1 year - after I cursed him for doing so ) ...I also may have thrown it around in quick succession last saturday after taking an involuntary dip in the creek next door at 7.30am on a 5degree morning. Yesterday I whispered it under my breathe as a rather large elderly customer proceeded to slightly lift one of her rather large butt cheeks and let out the hugest FART that I had ever heard a stranger do in a public place without a hint of shame or embarrassment ...better out than in eh?! Again it came tumbling out when she did it for a second time...then shuffled over to ask where the public toilets were!! When I pointed to my stores bathrooms I had a telling feeling that I would be saying my phrase with huge levels of disgust and indignation tomorrow when i opened the bathroom door to clean it - FARTS like that only come from one place with one outcome!!!!
I was only last night however that I fully became aware that this was not only my "Phrase" of choice...... but countless others and the weight of how important it had become in daily life fully took impact! See ...I like my "phrase" ...it describes everything I could ever say in 3 small and yet 3 magical words. When a character out of a movie that MR MARCH was forcing me to watch Shouted my "Phrase" out in sheer shock and disbelief........I went " AMEN SISTA................You Know The SHIT" .....and here I am telling you now! So what do I hear you say to this revelation .....................................perhaps I hear you saying .........Mrs March ..........................
" WHAT ~~~~THE ~~~~~~FUCK" :D
Sunday 29 July 2012
Things That Make You Go HHHMMMMMM....
Just like C& C Music Factory sing - There are Things That Make You Go Hhmm..almost every single day. One such thing that made me go HHmmmm lately was the purchase of an Entertainment Book. Let me elaborate : ..see I've always viewed these "books" as bowing down to age. By this I mean... I have only ever known "older" people to purchase them ..as they promote a sense of planning that surrenders all spontaneity..shall we say. By the way no offence intended, iit was just how we have always felt.
For example "honey ...where shall we go to dinner?" " ohh lets see where the night takes us babe" ....VS " honey...where shall we go to dinner?" " Well we will have to sit down with the entertainment book and work that out" ...ummmm yeah! See my point. HHmmmmmmmm.......
When your young and carefree ...you ride by the seat of your pants, you end up where the night takes you ..you are reckless, there's no planning ..you just GO! But when your older you plan, you budget, you ORGANISE! The Entertainment Book just seemed so .... responsible and mature! So in light of these feelings - I had never succumbed - TILL NOW!! Recently Mr March and I decided that maybe we should give it a go. It paid for itself in just 2 outings - we were told. There's such variety in these books - we were told. You'll go to so many different spots - we were told. So we parted with the cash.
It looked good - there was variety - so many places we had never been. I wonder how many of you ( like us ) stuck to the same favourite restaurants and hotels because why try to re-invent the wheel ( or the shnitty parmi - right?)? So at face value we felt it was $65 well spent. BUT..... and isn't there always a BUT?......
Why is it that every time we get into the car to go out to use it .....it's by the side of my bed at home?? Or ...We will have a mass barny over where we prefer to go? Or.... There is some kind of "condition" to prevent you from actually using the thing? Or ...you take it and pay for your meal then remember ..but it's too late? Ahhh..sigh.....this happens every time! Most recently Mr March, myself and Mini March decided to go see The Dark Knight Rises at The Norwood Cinema. After much tossing back and forth over where to go ...it was decided on and we headed towards our chosen spot.
It was clear after we walked in that we had chosen wrong. We were not acknowledged in any way and it was only after Mr March and his famous temper got the better of him and he angrily asked for service - that we were given the time of day. We found a table and Mr March proceeded to order but ...lordy lordy ...FORGOT TO PRESENT THE ENTERTAINMENT CARD! Well...this set off a chain of events that well and truly made for an overall crappy experience. The "Duty Manager" refused to honour the entertainment card deal, huffed and puffed, rolled her eyes, proceeded to tell every staff member the story of our sheer nerve at daaaaaaaaaring to ask to get the deal honored etc etc. I guess the icing on the cake for me was when she stood at the counter of the hotel - in plain sight of all and sundry ..and proceeded to take out her packet of Tobacco - and her ROLLY machine ( apologies for incorrect terminology) and roll herself a ciggy!!! Next to the food cabinet, with the hands that she had been serving with, so my child could see her, in a smoke free hotel! Yep ....C&C Music Factory were doing a rousing rendition in my head right about then ...Shakin what their mama's gave them ...Happy pants wearing and running man dancing......!!!
As you can imagine we left very disappointed! Ciggy had also loudly informed us that "These Entertainment Books are more trouble than they are worth" - Great ....decision well made I was thinking. Well maybe we could have written that off to only 1 bad experience ...but it just keeps plaquing us :( Only yesterday we agreed on a place to eat for lunch and BOOM - we forget the voucher - AGAIN!!)So is there something wrong with this picure??? I think yes ....my feelings about this are: we are too young to plan, we are fly by the seat of our pants people, we couldn't organise a shag in a shag shack! There is nothing wrong with not knowing where you will end up ... it's called spontenaity and adventure - you can google it! Im going to console myself with this and keep telling myself that C& C Music Factory were really onto something ........ I should have listened to them! HHmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Ps ...anyone needing a good night out ....i have plenty of vouchers :-)
For example "honey ...where shall we go to dinner?" " ohh lets see where the night takes us babe" ....VS " honey...where shall we go to dinner?" " Well we will have to sit down with the entertainment book and work that out" ...ummmm yeah! See my point. HHmmmmmmmm.......
When your young and carefree ...you ride by the seat of your pants, you end up where the night takes you ..you are reckless, there's no planning ..you just GO! But when your older you plan, you budget, you ORGANISE! The Entertainment Book just seemed so .... responsible and mature! So in light of these feelings - I had never succumbed - TILL NOW!! Recently Mr March and I decided that maybe we should give it a go. It paid for itself in just 2 outings - we were told. There's such variety in these books - we were told. You'll go to so many different spots - we were told. So we parted with the cash.
It looked good - there was variety - so many places we had never been. I wonder how many of you ( like us ) stuck to the same favourite restaurants and hotels because why try to re-invent the wheel ( or the shnitty parmi - right?)? So at face value we felt it was $65 well spent. BUT..... and isn't there always a BUT?......
Why is it that every time we get into the car to go out to use it .....it's by the side of my bed at home?? Or ...We will have a mass barny over where we prefer to go? Or.... There is some kind of "condition" to prevent you from actually using the thing? Or ...you take it and pay for your meal then remember ..but it's too late? Ahhh..sigh.....this happens every time! Most recently Mr March, myself and Mini March decided to go see The Dark Knight Rises at The Norwood Cinema. After much tossing back and forth over where to go ...it was decided on and we headed towards our chosen spot.
It was clear after we walked in that we had chosen wrong. We were not acknowledged in any way and it was only after Mr March and his famous temper got the better of him and he angrily asked for service - that we were given the time of day. We found a table and Mr March proceeded to order but ...lordy lordy ...FORGOT TO PRESENT THE ENTERTAINMENT CARD! Well...this set off a chain of events that well and truly made for an overall crappy experience. The "Duty Manager" refused to honour the entertainment card deal, huffed and puffed, rolled her eyes, proceeded to tell every staff member the story of our sheer nerve at daaaaaaaaaring to ask to get the deal honored etc etc. I guess the icing on the cake for me was when she stood at the counter of the hotel - in plain sight of all and sundry ..and proceeded to take out her packet of Tobacco - and her ROLLY machine ( apologies for incorrect terminology) and roll herself a ciggy!!! Next to the food cabinet, with the hands that she had been serving with, so my child could see her, in a smoke free hotel! Yep ....C&C Music Factory were doing a rousing rendition in my head right about then ...Shakin what their mama's gave them ...Happy pants wearing and running man dancing......!!!
As you can imagine we left very disappointed! Ciggy had also loudly informed us that "These Entertainment Books are more trouble than they are worth" - Great ....decision well made I was thinking. Well maybe we could have written that off to only 1 bad experience ...but it just keeps plaquing us :( Only yesterday we agreed on a place to eat for lunch and BOOM - we forget the voucher - AGAIN!!)So is there something wrong with this picure??? I think yes ....my feelings about this are: we are too young to plan, we are fly by the seat of our pants people, we couldn't organise a shag in a shag shack! There is nothing wrong with not knowing where you will end up ... it's called spontenaity and adventure - you can google it! Im going to console myself with this and keep telling myself that C& C Music Factory were really onto something ........ I should have listened to them! HHmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Ps ...anyone needing a good night out ....i have plenty of vouchers :-)
Being Mrs March: Life through the eyes of MRS MARCH
Being Mrs March: Life through the eyes of MRS MARCH: So this see's me posting my very first blog for "Being Mrs March" and I'm nervous yet excited. The biggest question i suppose is .. Who will...
Life through the eyes of MRS MARCH
So this see's me posting my very first blog for "Being Mrs March" and I'm nervous yet excited. The biggest question i suppose is .. Who will read this .. and why will they care?" Well...potentially no-one - for both statements so I will just cross my fingers and hope for some followers. In many ways I see a blog as a form of journal, or a diary that you are not worried about someone pinching and reading out aloud. It's therapy ..for freeeee. I aim to try to entertain and delight anyone who does ever read my ramblings, with my wacky take on life .. as I firmly believe that mine is a life less ordinary. I am always viewing life through the eyes of someone who I believe has an unusual take on life ( yes I'm talking about me). Hopefully my words will make you occasionally smile ( ohh reader yet to read ) ... possibly laugh ... regrettfully cry ... or once in a while make you shake your head in disbelief and/or recognition. I shall solemly swear to be candid and honest ... telling you like it is ... after all that is the point right ( see: blog is a form of a diary comment ) ...so hold on...being Mrs March can get crazy :D
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